Infidelity

Think back to 'Affirmation' by Savage Garden.

As a child growing up in the closet, one of the lyrics that I used to find comfort in was 'I believe you can't control or choose your sexuality'.

Of course, now that's something that a lot of us accept, possibly even take for granted. Haters will hate and say that we chose to lead this despicable lifestyle, but the people who count know that it's just not so.

But lately I've been noticing, studying, and agonising over another particular line in the song: 'I believe that trust is more important than monogamy'.

There are two reasons why this sentiment strikes a chord somewhere within me:

The first is that, for whatever reason, the gay scene and community tends to be characterised with a stereotype of horny promiscuity, being unable to 'keep it in your pants', and thus a lot of infidelity and experiences of intimacy (depending on your definition of the word) outside of any initial relationship.

Now, I'm not as delusional as to think that only gay people cheat on each other. There are plenty of lying scumbags from all genders and sexualities.

However, I've noticed that not all of these situations are a malicious or foolish act of infidelity.

In homosexuals, I've seen a peculiar prevalence to 'open relationships', people who are in a recognised and (arguably) committed relationship, but who are not reprimanded should they have any kind of affairs with someone else.

There's a line between a second relationship and a casual hook-up on the side, but when I've questioned people in these circumstances, it came down to a simple "I just don't believe in monogamy anymore."

And maybe that's not so implausible. Very few species on this Earth actually find one partner and mate with them for life.

We're all human, and sometimes mistakes do happen. Wouldn't we all be better off in accepting that, and being honest to our partners, and being able to move on from it.

I always thought Miranda was such a fool in the Sex and the City movie for leaving Steve, after he had the courage to admit to her a one-time mistake that was eating him up inside, obviously due to the love he still felt for her.

I'd rather know that if my partner hooked up with someone else, they would tell me upfront about it, instead of blindly having faith that they would always remain faithful, no matter what.

And maybe that will change one day, but for now it still seems to me that trust really is more important than monogamy.

The second reason is more a personal reflection than a community affiliation.

I have been in the situation where a partner was unfaithful. However, I never found out until after the relationship ended, on considerably good terms.

But the fact that I found out through someone else, the fact he never had the guts to man up and be honest with me, the fact he went to so many lengths to cover it up and tell so many lies - it destroyed our remaining friendship, temporarily destroyed my sanity, and brought me ever so close to destroying him.

I don't like to dwell on what if's, but deep down I can't help but wonder if things might have been different between us if he had just told me from the start.

But that belief came back around to haunt me, when I unfortunately found the tables had turned, and was in a position I swore to myself I'd never be in.

Laying all technicalities and bullshit aside, I really liked one person, but ended up getting with another person.

In that occurrence, I learnt that getting with a second person doesn't always change the way you feel about the first.

And so I practiced what I preach. I confessed, I told the truth.

The results were favourable. Maybe because we are gay, we are more open-minded to that kind of situation, or maybe I just found someone truly understanding, who saw my intentions beyond a little slip-up.

Regardless, I know that whatever happens, I have no secret to bare, nothing weighing me down that I need to get off my chest.

Never, ever would I use this reasoning to consider cheating to be totally acceptable, in any circumstance. I guess sometimes it's just not as bad as a lot of people think it is.

But this series of events has led me to believe that trust really is more important than monogamy.

"he kissed my lips, I taste your mouth

he pulled me in, I was disgusted with myself" - Thinking of You, Katy Perry

Journey

So as the year rolls around to a close, I thought it fitting to end the year with a reflective blog on my life and year in general.

I've made plenty of new friends, lost a couple too, had lots of firsts, and hopefully a few lasts, kissed too many boys, drank too much alcohol, had dozens of other amazing experiences and still managed to hold onto a high credit average.

My initial idea for this post was that it would be about the 'end': the end of a year, the end of a saga, the end of a journey.

But then when I think about it, this is so far from the end.

If this year has taught me anything, it's that things never stay the same, never stay how you expect them to, for very long at all.

And while midnight tonight might strike the end of the year, it's merely the close of a chapter, in a book that is simply a volume in a massive series depicting this crazy, beautiful life.

In the wise words of Flavia: "There are no endings, only new beginnings."

In a way, I don't feel as sentimental about New Year's Eve this year.

This year has showed me to don't need a countdown or a dropping ball to make a change or keep a resolution.

If you want to make a change, then do it.

In a sense every day is like New Year's Eve with that kind of philosophy (and hey, I'm drinking enough of the time to make that even more plausible).

And everyday is a new journey.

This will be my last post in over a month.

In a few days I will be setting out on a journey, and not the metaphorical sense.

5 weeks in the Costa Rican jungle is sure to be a grounding experience in reality, it will probably have it's own book in the saga.

So happy New Year Sydney, and don't change too much while I'm gone; I don't want to miss out on the excitement.

"if you can wait 'til I get home, then I swear to you that we can make this last" - A Day To Remember

Happiness

Some times, things just make you happy.

You can't explain it, it doesn't always make sense, and sometimes you might even feel like you really shouldn't be feeling the way you're feeling at such a moment.

It might be something as powerful as love, and twisted as a fetish, or as innocent as a favourite track of music.

Yet I think the most important thing we have to learn is that different things make different people happy.

You might think that something seems incredibly wrong, that it shouldn't be happening, that no good would come out of it.

However, I believe this reasoning comes from a lack of empathy or understanding.

There really isn't any foolproof way of putting yourself in someone else's shoes and experiencing exactly how a given circumstance makes them feel.

Most of the time, your third party judgement is clouded, based on some ulterior motive or pre-conceived belief on what you think you know.

I think there would be a lot less drama in the world if everybody learnt how to accept and care a great deal less about things that didn't directly impact them, or to have much less of a say in things that are just none of their business.

At the end of the day, you can judge and you can complain and you can pass all kinds of comments, but you're never going to change the way people feel.

Most of the time, it only takes a simple something, or someone, to make someone happy.

You can kick and scream and disapprove as much as you want, and maybe it might make a difference.

But you're just changing the way anyone feels.

You're just becoming a barricade, a bar in the road, putting a halt to something that one would expect, and hope, to come to naturally.

I don't know about you, but the last thing I want to do is stand in the way of someone else's happiness.

"I'll spend forever wondering if you knew I was enchanted to meet you" - Taylor Swift

Talk

One thing that I've learnt a lot in my life, quite a lot in the past year, but particularly in this past month, is that people thrive off gossip.

People will believe anything that makes a good story.

Any sense of perspective is thrown out the window in order to spin recent events into the hottest news that is sure to get tongues wagging.

Tabloid media does it all the time, and it's most unfortunate that life feels the need to imitate the press.

And I won't claim to be immune: when some delicious scandal has gone down, I as much as the next person am more than curious to hear the details, to know who said that, what happened and where it went down.

I'm not some superhuman that is resistant to our innate desire to know what is essentially none of our business.

However, one thing I do try my hardest to do is utilise the tool of perspective.

If university has taught me anything, it's that critical thinking skills really are required in everyday life, and you really can't believe half of what you hear, see or read.

I'm wary to take any piece of gossip with a pinch of salt, to question the integrity, and to ultimately understand the perspective of the informant and the nature through with the information is acquired.

But enough with the big words.

Basically, to steal a quote from Lord Voldemort's Twitter, "The reason the world is so screwed up is that people can't appreciate that the villain in your personal story is the hero in their own."

People who feel sorry for themselves have the ability to twist the details with a story, keeping enough fact in tact to hold onto the truth, and paint themselves as the victim.

And quite frankly, it's pathetic.

I am not the villain.

If they had the ability to see from my perspective, maybe people wouldn't be so stuck and thriving on high school drama and we might all be able to behave like real people again.

Wouldn't that be nice? Though maybe I'm asking for too much...

The useful thing about tabloids, however, is that most people know they're full of shit.

The people they report on can, in most cases, shrug off the gossip knowing that it's silly banter that no one need take seriously.

It's all talk from a skewed perspective.

So they can say what they want, but I honestly couldn't care less.

"Honestly I think it's kinda funny that you waste your breath talkin' about me - got me feeling kinda special, really." - Ke$Ha

Advice

A problem I've always had is being able to listen to my own advice.

I don't think I'm on the only one.

I've known people who have had the most amazing, intelligent words to tell their friends to help them through their problems, but when something bad happens to them, they just can't seem to apply their wisdom to their own situations.

I just can't help but wonder why.

I think that maybe, deep down we already know these words that people are constantly telling us in our times of need.

But we subconsciously refuse to recognise or acknowledge it, because there's a part of us that wants someone else to listen to our problems, and hoping that someone else will care.

It's all well and good to be able to sit down and logically work out the best thing for you to do, but in the end there's little emotional satisfaction in that.

We just have this inherent need for the human companionship that comes with having a shoulder to cry on, and the objective advice of a third person perspective.

Sometimes I find myself doing stupid things that I would probably reprimand my friends for doing, or at the very least throw my 2 cents in and give them some advice. Even if they haven't asked for it, I'd like to think there might be something in my words that might help them.

I don't think of it as butting in or telling them what to do; I think it's letting them know I care by having an opinion on their actions.

But when it comes to my own actions, I struggle to repeat the words I tell them to myself.

Maybe it's because secretly I'm a hypocrite and I love what I'm doing.

Or maybe it's just because I want someone to tell me what to do.

Maybe I want someone to offer their advice and opinion, in a similar display of letting me know they care.

Everyone needs a helping hand, now and then.

Sometimes you find those people who resist any kind of advice or help.

I think in some ways, they're the people who want or need it the most.

I've got no qualms about independence and doing your own thing.

I just think that sometimes, the reason we can't listen to our own advice is being we simply need other people to say it for us.

To remind us that we're really not alone.

"I've got a feeling if I sang this loud enough, you would sing it back to me" - Paramore

Contrast

There's always two sides to every story.

Or at best, there's always part of if you never knew.

One person's pleasure is another person's pain.

One man's loss is another man's gain.

You can know someone so well, like the back of your hand, and still get a surprise every now and then.

In life, we have to compare what we think we know against what is possibly, or probably, the truth.

I was ignorant to think that my selfish actions could be divided from the personal experiences of those around me.

And now I sit here on the floor, God only knows what coursing through my body, I begin to realise that.

Doing what you want to do, you're going to hurt people.

No matter what you do in life, someone is going to get hurt.

I suppose it's all about choosing the path of the greatest utility, maximising the good for everyone.

Or is it wrong to make your own personal decisions based on your own personal motives.

I trace over my skin, fingering the lines of my tattoo.

I chose the yin-yang as a representation of balance and duality; recognising both sides to every story.

I've lost sight of that goal in some ways, I think. I guess that's why I had it tattooed into my skin; to remind me of the values that I try to uphold in my everyday life.

Put it all together; the dark and light, the black and white, the wrong and the right.

Everything you do is significant and important.

Make sure it's the right decision for yourself, but make sure you know how it effects everyone else.

Chapters

Every so often in life, something huge and life-changinly significant happens, and we all sit around in shock and think, "It's strange how quickly one event can change your whole life".

But in the past 72 hours, I've noticed that it's not always the big things that change you.

A series of seemingly small and meaningless events collaborated over the course of a weekend to change my perspective on the world quite substantially, to the point where I was genuinely shocked as a reflected on how I felt about my life 3 days ago.

It wasn't as much an emotional roller-coaster as it was a stroll around the scenic route.

I went from excited, to content, to confused, to anxious, to relieved, to complacent, to disappointed and hurt, resignation, pleasure, and perhaps even a tinge of regret.

All mixed in with copious amounts of alcohol (which may or may not be a contributing factor to my perceived problem).

But the changes in emotion were so smooth and subtle that I never really acknowledged them to myself.

It wasn't until it was all over that I realised the past 3 days had been one large significant event in themselves.

Although I suppose that's all life really is: a series of ever-changing circumstances.

Sometimes you see them, sometimes you don't.

But you will always feel them.

It felt like I was only between chapters, when in reality I was coming up to the end of the story.

Luckily there's still time for a sequel, keeping some of the old favourites, but hopefully introducing a whole batch of new characters (and eliminating the ones that simply failed to further the plot).

and so continues the comedy/drama narrative that is my life.

but The Story of Us will only ever be a chapter in the The Story of Me.

"the story of us looks a lot like a tragedy now" - Taylor Swift