Kiss

When you think about it, kissing is a really weird thing.

We get taught as children to not share our food and drinks, for fear of sharing saliva and eventually contracting some kind of disease. We learn about germs, and in most cases it even goes as far as cooties, or 'boy germs' and 'girl germs', and we're very aware of who and what we are touching, and putting in and around our mouths.

Fast forward to junior high school and its a whole different ball game. We learn the biology about food and germs, and know to not put our lips on someone else's water bottle (or just be really good friends enough to know they're not going to give you anything). We also realise that cookies was just a myth, some lie our parents probably told us to stop us from growing up too quickly.

On a side note, I think parents of the youngest generation are not trying hard enough to enforce this myth. Kids are way too slutty these days.

But pressing on, we realise that putting things in and around our mouths can actually be pretty fun. Most notably, other peoples mouths. The first kiss is something that is highly romanticised by almost every teenage movie. Which isn't necessarily a bad thing, because I'll be the first to admit I enjoy a good snog. Psychological studies have shown that kissing is one of the few universal behaviours that transcend cultural differences. Sucking face with someone is, for all intents and purposes, completely natural. Whether or not your first kiss needs to be a memorable milestone is debatable, but it emphasises the frequent occurrence, as well as the perceived importance, of kissing.

This is all well and good, but as humans we have a knack for taking what seems to come naturally and ruining it with a complex bunch of feeling, emotions, morals and ethics.

The value placed on kissing is subjective, varying immensely between individuals. To some people it means friendship, where a kiss on the lips is just a variation of a handshake. For some people its a special action, loaded with emotional value, and wholly reserved for that special person in their lives. I guess this perspective views it as an extension, or prelude, to sex (whose societal value is a whole new can of worms I'm leaving the lid on, for now). Then there are people who enjoy kissing, but don't put a great deal of emotional energy into it. 'A kiss is just a kiss' kind of mentality, where it's a physical response to a physiological urge rather than any passionate emotion.

Which is where I'm getting at, I guess. How on earth did kissing come to have such a range of complex meanings?

Further still, what confuses me is when people seem to simultaneously use these different variations of kissing in their every day life. For example, if you're in a relationship with someone, kissing them is an obviously display of your love and affection towards them. Things like open relationships or 'hall passes', being able to kiss other people with little to no consequence... I feel that devalues whatever kind of kissing you're doing with your partner.

I'm not saying that casual hook-ups are inherently bad. Kissing a stranger when your single is a little cheeky and usually a bit of harmless fun, but when there's a third party involved, there's a mixed bag of hurt feelings and sticky jealousy that never ends well.
There's exceptions, like kisses that are controversial or well publicised in order to generate a response or garner attention, but that isn't really what I'm talking about.

Why does kissing seem to waver on the line of exclusivity in a relationship, never really choosing a side?

I've seen people shake off their partners kisses with other people as a one-off mistakes, something that's easily forgiven.
I've seen relationships shaken, even completely destroyed, by a kiss of infidelity (although the fact that they lied about it amplified the severity of the situation, something I really do agree with).

Either way, you can't claim to anyone that kissing isn't a big deal.
Regardless of it being a natural human behaviour, you wouldn't be doing it if you didn't want to.

I won't pretend there is a right or a wrong way to value your kisses.

But I do feel that in this day and age, where nothing seems sacred anymore, we should probably stop and think about these things of importance, before displays of affection really lose all meaning.

This focus on kissing mainly comes from the public nature the act can acquire. Open relationships, sex, and things like that can be a pretty private circumstance that isn't as visible as the guy with a boyfriend snogging someone else on the dance floor.

"it started out with a kiss

how did it end up like this?
it was only a kiss, it was only a kiss..." - Mr. Brightside, The Killers

Resolutions

I recently belittled the idea of New Year Resolutions in a Facebook status, saying that people never keep them.
Because I honestly think there is something stupid about making drastic changes for seemingly no reason except for the turn on the New Year. In reality, it's just another day.

For some people having resolutions are just a way of delaying something they don't really want to do. They'll make the resolutions so they feel better at the time, telling themselves they'll change soon. But when it comes to crunch time, I've heard very few stories of people completely sticking to resolutions and having their expected outcomes.

I guess there's something kind of symbolic about New Years Eve, the countdown to midnight. New year, new beginnings, that kind of sentimental psychobabble. Which is fine, I get that, if that's what works for you.
But if you really want to make a change, just do it. New days bring new beginnings too, not just years.

But I also have an issue with the whole 'changing' thing too.

I mean, sure, changing a few habits to be a little healthier, or picking up a new hobby, thats fine.
But people who want to make sweeping, drastic changes to their lives and essentially their personalities, are really only fooling themselves. Those kind of things don't happen overnight. And that's what the new year is - just another night.

I've always had a bit of a complex over two social pressures:
On the one hand, we're always told to be ourselves, stay true to what we belief in, don't change ourselves for anyone.
But then we're also hit with slogans like "Be the change you want to see", and the notion that by making a pact at the stroke of midnight, we can enhance our lives by changing the person we are.

Are you really changing as a person, or are you becoming somebody else entirely?

As someone who spends an excessive amount of time dwelling on existential crisis, I view it as an ill-fitting societal double-standard that is driving todays youth crazy with self-esteem and body image issues. Nobody likes mix signals.

Having said all that, I DO have one resolution: I'm going to start blogging a lot more. On a weekly, if not daily basis. So stick around for that.

"once upon a time
I used to romanticise,

used to be somebody, never mind

I don't miss it that much now" - Ever After, Marianas Trench

Reflection on 2011

I haven't written a blog in a really long time.
I don't know when it happened, but I started to find something really unattractive about having my entire life published on the Internet.
I stopped posting Facebook statuses, about the big things and the little things, and decided to maintain a little online mystery. At least compared to what I was like before.

But I'm going to break out of that little phase, for just a moment, and reflect on my year. Because as soppy and overly sentimental as it seems, I think there's something useful and fulfilling in that. I'd write it on paper and store it in a scrap book under my bed, but I think I've forgotten how to write without a keyboard, so this is the next best thing.

When I look back, 2011 really feels like the beginning of the rest of my life. Or at least the next part of it.

It kicked off with my very first overseas trip by myself. I say by myself to mean without any family members or friends, but having said that, I met an amazing group of people while I was traveling and volunteering in Costa Rica. Spending so much time with the same people, getting to know them in such a short time frame, you form some pretty amazing bonds, and even though they live on the other side of the country, and the world, I met a bunch of people who I have some beautiful memories with and who I don't think I could ever forget if I tried.
I also learnt to appreciate pretty much everything I have in my life, after seeing the simplicity of life in the Costa Rican mountains. At times I was jealous, the way technology didn't have such a firm grasp on their very existence, the way it does on mine. It was a very inspirational 5 weeks and I think it set me up for the changes that occurred throughout my life this year.

I got three tattoos this year. The first one, Pura Vida (Spanish for 'Pure Life') on my right foot, is symbolic of the time I spent in Costa Rica, and the lessons I learnt there.

I moved out of home this year, which was also huge. While it's a family owned property, which removed the hassles of renting and leases, it still meant living on a daily basis without the help or motivation from my family. I found that really difficult at times. At times when I wasn't feeling my greatest, it was an effort to just get out of bed. When I had the flu I had no one there to look after me, and it was very easily to quickly fall into a depressing loneliness. But despite all that, living in the city was extremely liberating. Drastically reduced travel time from university meant longer sleep ins in the morning, and increased proximity to Oxford Street meant many, many more trashy nights. This year was the beginning of my love affair with Stonewall on a Wednesday night, and my pile of mail from Malebox has steadily been growing over the past 9 months or so.

Oxford Street and the nightlife was still a big part of my year, as it was in 2010, but it felt different this year. I was a local, and regular, and half the time I found myself sipping on a cider on a school night, just because I felt I had nothing better to do (uni assignments totally didn't count). I had to learn self-control, because eventually my body basically broke down and I became really sick, a rare occurrence for me. So despite my carefree lifestyle that I quickly adopted, I also had to mature and great deal and learn when it was actually appropriate and when I had to reign in the alcoholic genes and treat myself like the adult that I wanted the world to treat me as, too.

Having said that, my second tattoo was inspired by Lady Gaga and along with my best friend, no matter how mature I become, I will still have 'Bad Kid' branded into my shoulder as a reminder of the fun I've had, and the nights I could stay out til 4am and still get up for work or uni in the morning and not actually feel too terrible.

University continued along rather uneventfully, in the academic aspect, but once again partying and social life played a prominent part of my year. I made a lot of new friends from all walks of life, and I'm thankful to have met every single one of them. Work wise, I burnt through a couple of jobs. I broke my vow on never returning to hospitality, very quickly regretted it, and then started fresh in two new areas: promotions and retail. I am loving both of them, especially the retail position, where I already feel like I've joined a new family of lovely people who I'm so glad to have met.

The last thing I want to reflect on from this year is my relationships.

Boys tend to come and go in my life, but this year there were three that really left an impact in my life.

Sadly, things didn't work out with any of them.

The first break up was his fault. He reminded me how much I hate liars, and how much a value honesty.
The second break up was my fault. He taught me that sometimes, honesty isn't enough to be able to save things.
The third was no ones fault, just an unfortunate circumstance that had to tear us apart. He taught me that there's a lot more to a relationship than two people liking each other, and some things just come with an inevitable time limit.
I live by a motto of no regrets, and though I was hurt several times, and did a number of things that I'm not proud of, I feel like I took important lessons away from all of them.

My final tattoo of the year is my own memento of the most important lesson: "I'll take the truth at any cost."
I'd prefer to have no relationship at all than have one based on lies or mistrust.
I'd like to think that's not a reflection of while I'll be single at the stroke of midnight tonight, though.

I still have the utmost respect and positive feelings towards two of those three.
I guess that's how things work out sometimes.

So in the end, 2011 was neither a good year or a bad year.
I had my fair share of both. Met some incredible people and made a bunch of friends who completely changed my life, suffered a few mishaps and tragedies, but nothing all consuming or that I couldn't bounce back from.

So ultimately, it was a year of growing and learning.

Here's to the new year, 2012, where hopefully I can put some of those lessons to use.

"arrogant boy, love yourself so no one has to
they're better off without you

arrogant boy, cause a scene like you're supposed to

they'll fall asleep without you

you're lucky if your memory remains..." - Therapy, All Time Low

Goals

Of course, it had to happen.

That moment in life where you sit back and actually think "What the fuck am I doing with my life?"

Sitting down, trying to find the motivation to start an assignment, I decided to think about my future prospectives and how it might be applicable to a job in the future that I'd love to be doing.

And it was then that it dawned on me... I didn't want to do anything like this in the future!

Maybe this moment of horror doesn't happen to everyone. But to be honest, this isn't the first time it's happened to me.

I've spent many a night on the phone to family and friends, complaining that I hate what I am doing, yet unsure of what it actually I want to do.

And I get told, "Robert, you're a smart young man. You can do anything you want!"

But that's the problem! What do I want?

There's also the subtle implication in that phrase, which is: "You're really smart, don't let it go to waste, do something super intellectual and impressive and high-pressure because you'll look like a massive failure if you don't live up to your perceived potential."

And I think that has been a major problem for me.

I don't want to be a doctor, I don't want to be a lawyer.

Sometimes I feel that I'm not smart enough. Other times I think I would be smart enough, but I have very little motivation to actually do anything like that.

Which made me feel lazy. Because I didn't feel any extreme passion towards kind of typical job.

Truth be told, the only passion I've every really had was for creative things, like music and writing. Things like this, things that I knew that I was good at and things that I really did enjoy.

Except no one ever encourages you do pursue any kind of career in that kind of area.

I've always felt as though the few things I've wanted to do are the few things that were never reinforced as something that I could do, never made out to be an achievable goal of any kind.

So now I'm stuck in an ultimate limbo world.

Studying a degree, doing two majors, one which I enjoy and one which I hate. I get to do a lot of writing, which I enjoy, but I don't often get the chance to be creative, which is quite suffocating. I'm still able to be creative and write music on the side, but often not as much as I'd like because I'm too pre-occupied about work I should be doing for my degree, and never feeling able to strike the right balance.

I have goals. I know they're probably achievable.

Let someone I managed to let everyone else's bullshit get in the way to the point that I don't know what's actually true anymore.

And I still have another essay that I should be writing.

"They called it education, I saw a means to an end

I saw my life another way" - It's Not A Bad Little War, Bayside

Regret

I used to say that I'd have no regrets.

That everything I've ever done was a stepping stone, a learning curve, with everything turning me into the person that I've become.

And that in the end, it might all be worth it.

I don't believe that anymore.

Because sometimes, we really should know better.

Sometimes it's a lesson that you're already supposed to know.

And now I know I've done things that I truly do regret.

Hurt people that I loved.

Turned myself into the people that I hate.

Hating myself for what I've done.

They say two wrongs don't make a right.

Apparently, wrongs just can't right in general. They're just wrong.

You're wrong. What you did was wrong.

And you can blame it on anything: alcohol, drugs, your state of mind, stress, peer pressure.

But in the end you're still the one who looks like a fucking arsehole.

No, you are the fucking arsehole.

And maybe your regrets are important - so that you remember that.

No matter how much moral high ground you think you take, you can still do the things that make you sick to the stomach.

And no matter how much you beg or grovel, nothing makes them better.

You just have to stew in your skin and know that you were wrong.

"spent all my life waiting for a moment to come

walking single file, waiting for a moment to come

but it won't

I'm halfway to happy now

and I always mistake it for progress"

- Killing Time, Bayside

Envy

I used to think a little bit of jealousy was a good thing.

In a way I guess it can stimulate competition, and that way you've got to really work for something if you want it.

Some of the great achievements in history probably happened because that guy was jealous of anything that another guy did before him.

Though, there has a be an obvious distinction between healthy competition and petty vendetta.

After all, it's not one of the seven deadly sins for nothing...

Unseen and untreated, a feeling of envy can become dangerously consuming.

The feeling of watching someone get exactly what you wanted, while you're left to look on from the side lines, in some cases can be nothing short of traumatic.

It becomes more than jealousy: it becomes a fiery rage.

In reality, it's probably just the way the cookie crumbles, but you can't help feel as though that person is taking something away from you with the worst intentions, as if they intentionally meant for you to feel that way.

Because, from the other side of the coin, that's hardly the case.

The times in my life where I've found myself as the subject of other peoples jealousy, I had been blissfully unaware of such an ugly manifestation of envy.

I was merely taking the steps in my life towards something that I wanted, and I discovered sides of hostility in people that I never would have imagined or expected.

And while I would love to feel some kind of sympathy, the ridiculousness of the way things pan out leave me with a combination of bemusement and pity.

I've also had the displeasure of feeling a little green lately.

Watching one of your close friends obtain something you would've killed to have: it's hard to not feel as though sometimes they're rubbing it in your face.

But then I try to take a step back: why should they be punished with my negativity for doing something that they've wanted for just as long, and worked hard enough to actually obtain?

The answer is, they shouldn't.

As envious as I may feel, I harness the feelings enough to be genuinely happy for them.

Because I am. And I think that's a true sign that you can tame the green-eyed monster.

Jealousy can make people do terrible things, say things they'll most likely regret.

It can also motivate people to take a more noble road to achievement.

I'm just glad that at least I could make that distinction.

"Jealousy, turning saints into the sea" - Mr. Brightside, The Killers

Sleep

I don't remember the last night I had a decent sleep.

Hell, I'd be surprised if you could find anything that resembles a decent sleeping pattern in the last month of my life.

I wish it could be solved as easily as a more comfy pillow or an extra blanket, but I'd be kidding myself if I thought the source of my insomnia was purely physical.

Having said that, waking up with a hangover 3 of 5 week nights probably attests to why I am consistently sporting the tired eyes of 'stoner chic'.

Maybe because half the nights of the week I'm not sleeping in my own bed, or because I stumble into bed at 3 or 4 in the morning, home from doing... well you probably don't want to know.

I've definitely given a different meaning to the phrase 'getting to bed early' - they never specified AM or PM, right?

The physicality is one thing, but psychologically it's draining.

I'm tired, but getting up and going to bed seems like such an effort.

So I'm awake, either at my computer or drunk between someone else's sheets, until I can't really fight the supposedly reasonable conceptions of society, and the results health sciences, on what is considered an appropriate amount of sleep.

That last sentence was a bit of a jumble, but hey, maybe it proves my point?

If it was one or two nights, or God forbid I was doing something worthwhile with the waking hours, maybe it wouldn't be such an issue.

But I think when it gets to the point where you go to bed at 11:30pm, but your body clock isn't used to crashing until 4am, that you may have a problem.

I'm a train wreck, out of control.

There's no slowing down, so it looks like I'm powering on until I crash.

"if I could trade mistakes for sheep

count me away before you sleep" - Panic! At The Disco