It's a common theme in a lot of my blogs, and all the reading I've been doing has moved me to add my two cents into the plethora of opinions.
Keeping in mind this is just an opinion: more my views rather than a claim of what it right or real.
There seems to me like there are a lot of people who construct a binary of promiscuous/monogamous, and if you're not one then you're automatically the other.
Either that, or you just don't get a whole lot of action.
(I might just add that when I say "people", I'm pretty much referring to comments that I have seen on Facebook threads when people have made statuses or written articles about this topic.)
But one thing that has really irked me is the idea that some people think that people who "criticise monogamy" (read: don't blindly preach it as the only good type of relationship) don't have the capacity to effectively do so, because they have their own "experiences" that may have shaped or altered the way they view monogamy.
You know what? Fuck it, I will just copy the comment here, I can't recreate its stupidity in my own words:
"I have not found many critics of monogamy who did not also happen to be incapable of it, or have a sexual history that may make it very difficult for them to be happy in it. In either case, their judgment is affected by their choices. Same goes for those who find such joy, peace, and love in faithful monogamy."
Firstly, to deem someone incapable of monogamy is highly insulting.
To assume that people are unable to remain faithful or committed to a person - based on what, a few failed attempts? - is kind of appalling.
To assume that people are unable to remain faithful or committed to a person - based on what, a few failed attempts? - is kind of appalling.
And I'll basically put it out there and say that it offends me so much is because I am one of those people.
If you're no stranger to my blog, you'll know that I often complain about failed relationships and how it just "didn't work" for me.
To say that I am incapable of monogamy, however, would be wrong. In most of my relationships I have remained completely faithful and committed.
It just so happened that more often than not I found myself not happy with the situation I was in, and I terminated the relationship, in one way or another.
Yes, I've had sex with people in between these relationships, fully aware that I am not going to pursue a relationship with that person.
However, I treat all my sexual partners with the utmost respect and courtesy, whether they are a boyfriend of months, a close friend I may have known for a while, or even a guy I met in the club that night.
In all these situations, I still think there is some kind of "connection". The depth and intimacy of these connections obviously vary greatly depending on the situation, but I rarely choose to have such experiences that are completely devoid of meaning or connection on some level.
Tell me, would you rather have a fun and playful one night stand with a guy who can still treat you relatively like a gentleman, or be in a monogamous relationship where your partner beats you every other day? Or holds you in an abusive state of mental anguish?
I am often judged for leading a non-monogamous lifestyle. It's not necessarily promiscuous though - it merely means there is no one single person who I have made myself exclusive to.
However, I had a very close friend say to me one time "You know, judging from your moral values, no one would ever guess you were such a slut."
The comment was meant with love, considering I have been sexually intimiate with said friend, but I was a little taken aback that simply being open and honest about my desires and expectations around sex automatically branded me a "slut".
Of course, there's no objective definition of the word, and I've often reclaimed the term in an attempt to diminish its power as a derogatory term.
I am far from conservative, and I refuse to be told that having an open mind and attitude regarding sex means that I am incapable of being monogamous, now or at any time in the future.
To say that I am incapable of monogamy, however, would be wrong. In most of my relationships I have remained completely faithful and committed.
It just so happened that more often than not I found myself not happy with the situation I was in, and I terminated the relationship, in one way or another.
Yes, I've had sex with people in between these relationships, fully aware that I am not going to pursue a relationship with that person.
However, I treat all my sexual partners with the utmost respect and courtesy, whether they are a boyfriend of months, a close friend I may have known for a while, or even a guy I met in the club that night.
In all these situations, I still think there is some kind of "connection". The depth and intimacy of these connections obviously vary greatly depending on the situation, but I rarely choose to have such experiences that are completely devoid of meaning or connection on some level.
Tell me, would you rather have a fun and playful one night stand with a guy who can still treat you relatively like a gentleman, or be in a monogamous relationship where your partner beats you every other day? Or holds you in an abusive state of mental anguish?
I am often judged for leading a non-monogamous lifestyle. It's not necessarily promiscuous though - it merely means there is no one single person who I have made myself exclusive to.
However, I had a very close friend say to me one time "You know, judging from your moral values, no one would ever guess you were such a slut."
The comment was meant with love, considering I have been sexually intimiate with said friend, but I was a little taken aback that simply being open and honest about my desires and expectations around sex automatically branded me a "slut".
Of course, there's no objective definition of the word, and I've often reclaimed the term in an attempt to diminish its power as a derogatory term.
I am far from conservative, and I refuse to be told that having an open mind and attitude regarding sex means that I am incapable of being monogamous, now or at any time in the future.
It's kind of late and I'm getting tired and I feel like I'm running around in circles and not making any clear points - this is a blog after all, not a published article.
My main point is that promiscuity or non-monogamy doesn't make you a bad person, and monogamy doesn't necessarily make you a good person.
I know people in monogamous relationships with terrible self-esteem and issues about their own self-worth.
I'm a confident, single man who knows how to safely and respectfully negotiate my way around a sex life that involves more than two people. I don't do it because I think it's the only way to get guys or any bullshit issues like that. I don't do it out of self-loathing. I don't even do it out of pure hedonistic indulgence.
For one thing, I think forced celibacy (note: that doesn't include asexuality) is kind of unnatural - or to be more politically correct, I just think sex is completely natural - and while I have not found a person with which I have all of the emotional, sexual and romantic connections and whom I would like to commit to and maybe build a life with together, and all that heteronormative jazz that usually (but not always) comes with monogamy, I see no logical reason to completely deprive myself of sex.
When the time comes, I'll be ready, and I'll know.
I know people in monogamous relationships with terrible self-esteem and issues about their own self-worth.
I'm a confident, single man who knows how to safely and respectfully negotiate my way around a sex life that involves more than two people. I don't do it because I think it's the only way to get guys or any bullshit issues like that. I don't do it out of self-loathing. I don't even do it out of pure hedonistic indulgence.
For one thing, I think forced celibacy (note: that doesn't include asexuality) is kind of unnatural - or to be more politically correct, I just think sex is completely natural - and while I have not found a person with which I have all of the emotional, sexual and romantic connections and whom I would like to commit to and maybe build a life with together, and all that heteronormative jazz that usually (but not always) comes with monogamy, I see no logical reason to completely deprive myself of sex.
When the time comes, I'll be ready, and I'll know.
The time may never come, but that's just life.
This is my personal view and experience. I cannot claim that all non-monogamous homosexual men view their situation this way.
But I see no reason why my experience is any less valid than the next man.
So next time you call a guy a slut for taking home a one night stand, just stop, and realise that you really have no idea what his motives are, or what is going on inside his head.
Or, in a serial monogamist train of thought: get to know them a little better before making any rash judgements or decisions.
This is my personal view and experience. I cannot claim that all non-monogamous homosexual men view their situation this way.
But I see no reason why my experience is any less valid than the next man.
So next time you call a guy a slut for taking home a one night stand, just stop, and realise that you really have no idea what his motives are, or what is going on inside his head.
Or, in a serial monogamist train of thought: get to know them a little better before making any rash judgements or decisions.
