Body

So I joined a gym a couple of weeks ago.

It had been a long time since I had any kind of regular exercise routine, and while I wasn't overweight or particularly unhealthy, I thought it would be a reasonable idea to take some proactive measures towards increasing my fitness.

Because I do enjoy a good workout.

I love the feeling of the endorphines after a good long run, and the burn in your calves and quads as you stretch out to touch your toes.

I've been going to a lot of the scheduled classes, developing a still sporadic kind of routine throughout my holidays, but today I had a free consultation and assessment with one of the gyms personal trainers, that was complimentary with my membership.

He looked at the answers from my lifestyle survey, and measured my fat in twelve key locations on my body.

Now, I know I'm no body builder, but I've always thought that I've had a pretty good body and a decent level of health, considering the some of my extra-curricular activities.

Yes, I probably drink more alcohol than is considered healthy, but if I thought it was affecting my body extremely adversely, I would stop.

After my assessment, I was told that I had 20% body fat, the "optimum level" being 10%.

By this personal trainers standards, my chest was classified as "man boobs" (direct quote), and my situation, for a 20-year-old, was "not good".

As I said, I know I'm not the picture of perfection when it comes to healthy living. I don't know what I was expecting from the session, but it wasn't to be torn down and have my self-esteem eroded away along with my "man boobs".

I left the consultation feeling miserable, like all good intentions for simply being healthy were naive and worthless if I didn't have the sculpted body to prove it.
Which I could have, with some drastic changes and sacrifies... and for $50 of his time each session (fat chance, pardon the pun).

Someone came into my life recently and mentioned something in general conversation which I actually found quite profound.

He said: "I find that a lot of the good looking guys can be particularly rude or nasty. Especially models. These models, they become very insecure, because they're constantly being told that they're not good enough, that they have to look better. It's a very harsh world, and they develop these bitchy defence mechanisms to cope."
Or something along those lines.

And knowing a couple of models, it was an argument that hit pretty close to home (and made me wonder why on earth I'd ever considered pursuing it).
But today, at the gym, it did more than that. It was a nuclear bomb that just demolished everything that I thought I knew about esteem and confidence.

It's a problem that I find rife in the gay community. There's a reason the gym was coined 'gay Church' in Will & Grace. 'Gym bunny' is a common sub-stereotype, and we lust and idolise over the buff men that dance in our bars (and on them, for that matter).

The world is finally starting to realise that the muscly hunks on the cover of fitness/gay magazines are having just as much adverse effects on guys as the wafer thing women on fashion magazines are having on teenage girls.

"You're not perfect until you have the body to go with it" was the personal motto/gym inspiration of one of my friends. Personally I thought his body was fine, but I guess I must have left my gay culture lenses at home that day.
Or maybe people aren't satisfied with being "fine" these days.
Which is legitimate, I suppose. But I've lost relationships/friends to people who were just so obsessed with the gym, that they wouldn't eat out, or splurge every now and then, all because they were so set on getting or maintaining their 10% body fat.

It's sad that people need to have that "perfect body" in order to feel confident.

Sure, some people are overweight, and exercising and losing weight to have a more average sized body is a good thing for them.

It's just this near unobtainable idea of perfection that makes me a little sick in the stomach.

I'm not going to stop going to the gym, as demotivating as today was for me.

I'm going to sweat my ass off going yoga, Pilates, Zumba, whatever. I'll lift a few weights every now and then.

But I don't need a personal trainer telling me what to do, what to eat, and how to live my life.

For me, confidence isn't the biggest set of pecs, or a chiseled abdomen.

Confidence is eating that block of chocolate, or that KFC Ultimate Burger meal, or shit loads of carbs in a bowl of pasta after 6pm, and still being able to say "I am happy with how I look, and how I feel."

Even if it means feeling the burn after an hour on the treadmill the next day.
I want to be healthy, but I refuse to let the quest of having the 'ideal' body get in the way of me enjoying my life.

"but if you can't look inside you,
find out who am I to

be in a position to make me feel so damn unpretty" - TLC

Kiss

When you think about it, kissing is a really weird thing.

We get taught as children to not share our food and drinks, for fear of sharing saliva and eventually contracting some kind of disease. We learn about germs, and in most cases it even goes as far as cooties, or 'boy germs' and 'girl germs', and we're very aware of who and what we are touching, and putting in and around our mouths.

Fast forward to junior high school and its a whole different ball game. We learn the biology about food and germs, and know to not put our lips on someone else's water bottle (or just be really good friends enough to know they're not going to give you anything). We also realise that cookies was just a myth, some lie our parents probably told us to stop us from growing up too quickly.

On a side note, I think parents of the youngest generation are not trying hard enough to enforce this myth. Kids are way too slutty these days.

But pressing on, we realise that putting things in and around our mouths can actually be pretty fun. Most notably, other peoples mouths. The first kiss is something that is highly romanticised by almost every teenage movie. Which isn't necessarily a bad thing, because I'll be the first to admit I enjoy a good snog. Psychological studies have shown that kissing is one of the few universal behaviours that transcend cultural differences. Sucking face with someone is, for all intents and purposes, completely natural. Whether or not your first kiss needs to be a memorable milestone is debatable, but it emphasises the frequent occurrence, as well as the perceived importance, of kissing.

This is all well and good, but as humans we have a knack for taking what seems to come naturally and ruining it with a complex bunch of feeling, emotions, morals and ethics.

The value placed on kissing is subjective, varying immensely between individuals. To some people it means friendship, where a kiss on the lips is just a variation of a handshake. For some people its a special action, loaded with emotional value, and wholly reserved for that special person in their lives. I guess this perspective views it as an extension, or prelude, to sex (whose societal value is a whole new can of worms I'm leaving the lid on, for now). Then there are people who enjoy kissing, but don't put a great deal of emotional energy into it. 'A kiss is just a kiss' kind of mentality, where it's a physical response to a physiological urge rather than any passionate emotion.

Which is where I'm getting at, I guess. How on earth did kissing come to have such a range of complex meanings?

Further still, what confuses me is when people seem to simultaneously use these different variations of kissing in their every day life. For example, if you're in a relationship with someone, kissing them is an obviously display of your love and affection towards them. Things like open relationships or 'hall passes', being able to kiss other people with little to no consequence... I feel that devalues whatever kind of kissing you're doing with your partner.

I'm not saying that casual hook-ups are inherently bad. Kissing a stranger when your single is a little cheeky and usually a bit of harmless fun, but when there's a third party involved, there's a mixed bag of hurt feelings and sticky jealousy that never ends well.
There's exceptions, like kisses that are controversial or well publicised in order to generate a response or garner attention, but that isn't really what I'm talking about.

Why does kissing seem to waver on the line of exclusivity in a relationship, never really choosing a side?

I've seen people shake off their partners kisses with other people as a one-off mistakes, something that's easily forgiven.
I've seen relationships shaken, even completely destroyed, by a kiss of infidelity (although the fact that they lied about it amplified the severity of the situation, something I really do agree with).

Either way, you can't claim to anyone that kissing isn't a big deal.
Regardless of it being a natural human behaviour, you wouldn't be doing it if you didn't want to.

I won't pretend there is a right or a wrong way to value your kisses.

But I do feel that in this day and age, where nothing seems sacred anymore, we should probably stop and think about these things of importance, before displays of affection really lose all meaning.

This focus on kissing mainly comes from the public nature the act can acquire. Open relationships, sex, and things like that can be a pretty private circumstance that isn't as visible as the guy with a boyfriend snogging someone else on the dance floor.

"it started out with a kiss

how did it end up like this?
it was only a kiss, it was only a kiss..." - Mr. Brightside, The Killers

Resolutions

I recently belittled the idea of New Year Resolutions in a Facebook status, saying that people never keep them.
Because I honestly think there is something stupid about making drastic changes for seemingly no reason except for the turn on the New Year. In reality, it's just another day.

For some people having resolutions are just a way of delaying something they don't really want to do. They'll make the resolutions so they feel better at the time, telling themselves they'll change soon. But when it comes to crunch time, I've heard very few stories of people completely sticking to resolutions and having their expected outcomes.

I guess there's something kind of symbolic about New Years Eve, the countdown to midnight. New year, new beginnings, that kind of sentimental psychobabble. Which is fine, I get that, if that's what works for you.
But if you really want to make a change, just do it. New days bring new beginnings too, not just years.

But I also have an issue with the whole 'changing' thing too.

I mean, sure, changing a few habits to be a little healthier, or picking up a new hobby, thats fine.
But people who want to make sweeping, drastic changes to their lives and essentially their personalities, are really only fooling themselves. Those kind of things don't happen overnight. And that's what the new year is - just another night.

I've always had a bit of a complex over two social pressures:
On the one hand, we're always told to be ourselves, stay true to what we belief in, don't change ourselves for anyone.
But then we're also hit with slogans like "Be the change you want to see", and the notion that by making a pact at the stroke of midnight, we can enhance our lives by changing the person we are.

Are you really changing as a person, or are you becoming somebody else entirely?

As someone who spends an excessive amount of time dwelling on existential crisis, I view it as an ill-fitting societal double-standard that is driving todays youth crazy with self-esteem and body image issues. Nobody likes mix signals.

Having said all that, I DO have one resolution: I'm going to start blogging a lot more. On a weekly, if not daily basis. So stick around for that.

"once upon a time
I used to romanticise,

used to be somebody, never mind

I don't miss it that much now" - Ever After, Marianas Trench