Decisions

I hate to admit I'm a terribly indecisive person.

I can never seem to decide upon a place to eat on the first date, or which movie to rent from the store.

So you can imagine how much I must hate the actually important life decisions, right?

Because the worst part about the big decisions is that you're never really going to know if you made the right choice.

If he turns out to be allergic to seafood or lactose intolerant, or if you feel as though you wasted 2 hours of your life and would rather have stared at the wall, it's pretty obvious that you made a mistake.

And so what of it? You'll probably just take it in your stride, learn from it, and not make that same poor decision twice.

But the important, long-term decisions, they tend to affect your life in countless more ways.

And in the end, you're in the future, and when you look around you and realise what a fuck up it's become, all you can do it ask yourself "What if..?"

I can't necessarily blame my poverty or unemployment on a Bachelor of Arts, but I might look back and think, "Would I be in this position if I studied Law?"

But my gripe is that some decisions seem right.

Are there always alternatives? If not taking the right decisions automatically taking the wrong one?

Is inaction really so bad?

Sometimes you don't really know, and though I've always been an excited advocate for change, first-hand experience has taught me there are some heart-breaking changes that could and should be easily avoided.

Is it wrong to make a pre-emptive decision?

In essence, choose to not make a decision because you'd rather not figure out which one really is the right way.

Life seems to take control, and carry me forward. But sometimes it also seems to get in the way.

Pre-planned change, all rehearsed and orchestrated, somehow takes the back-seat to the unexpected, the unforeseen.

Or maybe I just can't practice what I preach.

A subtle, unconscious masochistic streak has allowed me to get far too comfortable in the rut.

Or, God forbid, maybe I'm just not ready.

"when mystery fades we identify the problems, but they may not be problems after all"

- On Love, On Life, Bayside

Infidelity

Think back to 'Affirmation' by Savage Garden.

As a child growing up in the closet, one of the lyrics that I used to find comfort in was 'I believe you can't control or choose your sexuality'.

Of course, now that's something that a lot of us accept, possibly even take for granted. Haters will hate and say that we chose to lead this despicable lifestyle, but the people who count know that it's just not so.

But lately I've been noticing, studying, and agonising over another particular line in the song: 'I believe that trust is more important than monogamy'.

There are two reasons why this sentiment strikes a chord somewhere within me:

The first is that, for whatever reason, the gay scene and community tends to be characterised with a stereotype of horny promiscuity, being unable to 'keep it in your pants', and thus a lot of infidelity and experiences of intimacy (depending on your definition of the word) outside of any initial relationship.

Now, I'm not as delusional as to think that only gay people cheat on each other. There are plenty of lying scumbags from all genders and sexualities.

However, I've noticed that not all of these situations are a malicious or foolish act of infidelity.

In homosexuals, I've seen a peculiar prevalence to 'open relationships', people who are in a recognised and (arguably) committed relationship, but who are not reprimanded should they have any kind of affairs with someone else.

There's a line between a second relationship and a casual hook-up on the side, but when I've questioned people in these circumstances, it came down to a simple "I just don't believe in monogamy anymore."

And maybe that's not so implausible. Very few species on this Earth actually find one partner and mate with them for life.

We're all human, and sometimes mistakes do happen. Wouldn't we all be better off in accepting that, and being honest to our partners, and being able to move on from it.

I always thought Miranda was such a fool in the Sex and the City movie for leaving Steve, after he had the courage to admit to her a one-time mistake that was eating him up inside, obviously due to the love he still felt for her.

I'd rather know that if my partner hooked up with someone else, they would tell me upfront about it, instead of blindly having faith that they would always remain faithful, no matter what.

And maybe that will change one day, but for now it still seems to me that trust really is more important than monogamy.

The second reason is more a personal reflection than a community affiliation.

I have been in the situation where a partner was unfaithful. However, I never found out until after the relationship ended, on considerably good terms.

But the fact that I found out through someone else, the fact he never had the guts to man up and be honest with me, the fact he went to so many lengths to cover it up and tell so many lies - it destroyed our remaining friendship, temporarily destroyed my sanity, and brought me ever so close to destroying him.

I don't like to dwell on what if's, but deep down I can't help but wonder if things might have been different between us if he had just told me from the start.

But that belief came back around to haunt me, when I unfortunately found the tables had turned, and was in a position I swore to myself I'd never be in.

Laying all technicalities and bullshit aside, I really liked one person, but ended up getting with another person.

In that occurrence, I learnt that getting with a second person doesn't always change the way you feel about the first.

And so I practiced what I preach. I confessed, I told the truth.

The results were favourable. Maybe because we are gay, we are more open-minded to that kind of situation, or maybe I just found someone truly understanding, who saw my intentions beyond a little slip-up.

Regardless, I know that whatever happens, I have no secret to bare, nothing weighing me down that I need to get off my chest.

Never, ever would I use this reasoning to consider cheating to be totally acceptable, in any circumstance. I guess sometimes it's just not as bad as a lot of people think it is.

But this series of events has led me to believe that trust really is more important than monogamy.

"he kissed my lips, I taste your mouth

he pulled me in, I was disgusted with myself" - Thinking of You, Katy Perry