Body

So I joined a gym a couple of weeks ago.

It had been a long time since I had any kind of regular exercise routine, and while I wasn't overweight or particularly unhealthy, I thought it would be a reasonable idea to take some proactive measures towards increasing my fitness.

Because I do enjoy a good workout.

I love the feeling of the endorphines after a good long run, and the burn in your calves and quads as you stretch out to touch your toes.

I've been going to a lot of the scheduled classes, developing a still sporadic kind of routine throughout my holidays, but today I had a free consultation and assessment with one of the gyms personal trainers, that was complimentary with my membership.

He looked at the answers from my lifestyle survey, and measured my fat in twelve key locations on my body.

Now, I know I'm no body builder, but I've always thought that I've had a pretty good body and a decent level of health, considering the some of my extra-curricular activities.

Yes, I probably drink more alcohol than is considered healthy, but if I thought it was affecting my body extremely adversely, I would stop.

After my assessment, I was told that I had 20% body fat, the "optimum level" being 10%.

By this personal trainers standards, my chest was classified as "man boobs" (direct quote), and my situation, for a 20-year-old, was "not good".

As I said, I know I'm not the picture of perfection when it comes to healthy living. I don't know what I was expecting from the session, but it wasn't to be torn down and have my self-esteem eroded away along with my "man boobs".

I left the consultation feeling miserable, like all good intentions for simply being healthy were naive and worthless if I didn't have the sculpted body to prove it.
Which I could have, with some drastic changes and sacrifies... and for $50 of his time each session (fat chance, pardon the pun).

Someone came into my life recently and mentioned something in general conversation which I actually found quite profound.

He said: "I find that a lot of the good looking guys can be particularly rude or nasty. Especially models. These models, they become very insecure, because they're constantly being told that they're not good enough, that they have to look better. It's a very harsh world, and they develop these bitchy defence mechanisms to cope."
Or something along those lines.

And knowing a couple of models, it was an argument that hit pretty close to home (and made me wonder why on earth I'd ever considered pursuing it).
But today, at the gym, it did more than that. It was a nuclear bomb that just demolished everything that I thought I knew about esteem and confidence.

It's a problem that I find rife in the gay community. There's a reason the gym was coined 'gay Church' in Will & Grace. 'Gym bunny' is a common sub-stereotype, and we lust and idolise over the buff men that dance in our bars (and on them, for that matter).

The world is finally starting to realise that the muscly hunks on the cover of fitness/gay magazines are having just as much adverse effects on guys as the wafer thing women on fashion magazines are having on teenage girls.

"You're not perfect until you have the body to go with it" was the personal motto/gym inspiration of one of my friends. Personally I thought his body was fine, but I guess I must have left my gay culture lenses at home that day.
Or maybe people aren't satisfied with being "fine" these days.
Which is legitimate, I suppose. But I've lost relationships/friends to people who were just so obsessed with the gym, that they wouldn't eat out, or splurge every now and then, all because they were so set on getting or maintaining their 10% body fat.

It's sad that people need to have that "perfect body" in order to feel confident.

Sure, some people are overweight, and exercising and losing weight to have a more average sized body is a good thing for them.

It's just this near unobtainable idea of perfection that makes me a little sick in the stomach.

I'm not going to stop going to the gym, as demotivating as today was for me.

I'm going to sweat my ass off going yoga, Pilates, Zumba, whatever. I'll lift a few weights every now and then.

But I don't need a personal trainer telling me what to do, what to eat, and how to live my life.

For me, confidence isn't the biggest set of pecs, or a chiseled abdomen.

Confidence is eating that block of chocolate, or that KFC Ultimate Burger meal, or shit loads of carbs in a bowl of pasta after 6pm, and still being able to say "I am happy with how I look, and how I feel."

Even if it means feeling the burn after an hour on the treadmill the next day.
I want to be healthy, but I refuse to let the quest of having the 'ideal' body get in the way of me enjoying my life.

"but if you can't look inside you,
find out who am I to

be in a position to make me feel so damn unpretty" - TLC